Alukira's Den

Well today erafides me annie and versiondefected hung out, went for sushi and what not. And then went home..ish and then me and nora met up with michelle and went to the survey thing. Dude it was awesome. We played games for 40 min, two, and 20 min each. we were offered drinks, pizza and candy. Then we just talked about the games. So for and hour and a half we earned 75 bucks cash. And we didnt do much it was fun.

Well I just got back from Florida, this vacation was ....hard lol as one thought cloud in the park said" I'll need a vacation from this vacation!" Which is true. We drove for 20 hours to miami, stayed the night in a motel/hotel thingy we went around miami beach, alot of expensive resturants, and the beach was kewl we didnt swim. But we took a pics and the water has a different color then the one we have here. Then the next day we packed up again and went to florida keys west i think. We drove and found a park next to the beach....the water was like in the commericalls its crystal clear. But there is one thing they forgot to mention....its more salter then it is here. If you get a mouthful or some in the eye its hell Hehe. My lips hurt. But we found a live sting ray we didnt touch it though probably would sting us hehe but it was kewl so we spent two hours there, and without sun tan lotion...so naturuall we all got burned. For like two days we were are all "Dont touch me, dont touch me" Hehehe, but then after we head back north up to our always favorite hotel, near Orlando. We got there like 7 ish so we didnt do to the parks. The first night we just went into the pool, played arcade and all the fun stuff, unpacked. So yea but the pool is always awesome the jacuzz is right next to the warm pool, and imagine being outside where is warm, at like 12 oclock at night, and the skies are clear and yer swimming in the water looking up...heaven. But of course then our full out vacation started the next day, in the morning we woke up at like 7, 8 ish and headed for MgM studioes. Rock N' Roll coaster, and hollywood tower of terror. But this time there was something new. The extreme stunt show, with people being lit on fire, and actual motorcycle and car chases and 180's and 360's and jumps and cars seemingly being blow apart, people falling from building, basically they just showed us how the movies are made. And of course who can forget the night show, of Fanatismic. Mickey Mouse, actors, props, fire works, fog, lights, all of it, boats, fire, water. So we get back to the hotel and again same pool and aracade, then dead sleep. Then next day island of Adventures...i love that park, so many ride. From now on im going to make it simple, in the hotel we met a few people one guy from spain, one little girl from england. and the next day sea world(shamu), and the last day universal studios AND islands od Adventure...again. Then we headed home and we all slept while dad drove for the whole 15 hours or so.

And so im back. And i lost 10 pounds, this whole vacation has been good for my eating habits and my sleeping habits.

Well now that i took a sneak peak one one of my friend's journal. I feel like i owe an explaination but I really dont want to talk about it. Its one of those stupid phases everyone goes through. Im a very complicated person, and Im trying to become and find out at the same time what I truely am and Im sorry if anyone gets hurt in the way....well not excatly unless i meant for you to get hurt. But its not one of my close friends, its not a girl so no fear eh? Im getting used to life like this and after trying for so long to break away and become an adult, im frighten and i sulk back to my age. After a few tastes of what I had wished for I dont want it. I dont want it yet, I wish I could just wish for something and not have it come true....contrary to what every one else wants. But thats because I usually ask for something and when I get I usually regret it, or it goes slightly off and ruins it even more. Its so complicated, there are two sides to everything and im dead center on the line. Or maybe im not maybe thats why its so confusing im jumping back and forth across the line as if both sides have hot coal in them. Im being artistic lately. And nocturnal, staying up until its light outside like 5 ish and then sleeping past 12 like 2,3. But like i said Im getting used to it and this is life, take what it gives you.

Im am bored, and alone. I have my family around me, but i want to go out. I want to live. But i know it will be a while untill that happens and till will happen gradually. For now im in a coma. Hearing everything, seeing everything unable to do anything about it or join them. I hear my friends having fun and sorrows, and i see them in their glory. I wait and see. I know this isolation is for the best, lets me grow deeper, and not become like those shallow people outside. i have been stuck inside for a while now. I went out yesterday just for the fuck of it. First time thrift shopping, bought a shirt. if you can call it that. barely covers anything. half the family liked it the other didnt. and then i realized i will not have the same style as them. so i might as well get things that I like. i went to the park. listened to my new ipod i got for new year's. i sat for a lil while, walked on fences, then went to the ballpark thingy, saw three mexicans or something playing soccer, and some two kids, students probably from seth low. i figured i had an audience, and climbed the tall fence to get ontop of the curve of where the batter is supposed to hit the ball. lol i couldnt hear shit because of the music but i bet they were saying some shit. i saw them all staring. when i got on top and just stayed there staring, i realized i had cut my hand and was pressing it against the rusted pipe. bleh i started to climb down, my ipod fell. into the dirt i jumped in after it. landed with my palm into the dirt. so its possibly infected. though i doubt it. lol scratched up my ipod in two days. but it was fun i had found my spot in the park. on top of that fence. tomorow im gunna go and do some stupid shit for school. by the way i realized i have been slowly growing farther apart from my friends in school... imbecoming like my big brother. im afraid. im bored and alone.

I almost died the other day,or possibly could have been crippled. I was almost crushed by a locker..well a set of lockers. the guys were kicking them around on the other side. And I was standing directily in the path of the falling locker. I turned around and tried to put the locker back, but ti was too heavy. I then started to slide... but it continued to fall. Finally I pushed off and fell on my back, and slid a bit more. Dirtied my jacket too. The falling lokcer hit mine, and it stalled enough for me to pull my feet out of the place where the locker would fall. Lol it was fun and funny. Cuz my bookbag was right next ot the falled locker and you couldnt see me. So yea it looked like I was under there for those that didnt see me jump away. My friend ran over to me and huged me and was so freaken worried about me, she was almost crying. I was smiling even though I was a bit in shock. My hands were shaking a little bit but I blame it on thwe adreline, I loved the feeling. But it died after a half an hour or an hour or more or something. Of course my friend still cried and everything was told to keep quite about this or someone would have been in big poopy doo and what not. Ah a life and death exprience just makes things more exciting I guess this what I have been asking for all this time. Thank you. But IM glad it was me and no one else. Or someone would have died.

Im fine....Im fine. I think or atleast I feel like Im back up to content. Im now thinking, instead of letting emotions take me. It is more duller for me, but I have no choice. Im learning, but one can learn and practice all they like. But when the moment comes everything is forgotten, all that counts is how much YOU have changed. Besides that, candles are my companions for now. They are a little bit better then nothing, its not something I looked forward to. Just makes me feel better then I light them. But when I look at them....I see how long they got before they run out. I hate thinking about it, that they cant go on forever.They remind me that nothing is forever. That there will be a moment of coldness, before I can get more.Oh well. I am just waiting. Waiting for myself to grow up. Waiting for something to happen.

Yesterday I was a bitch. Friends for the first time saw the side of me that they never did before. I might lose a few friends over this. I know some of them will read this. I will repeat for myself and for them, my behavior.

My high school, is holding me back. I cant do anything, I cant get to know anyone. I have no friends around me. I learn things about guys/males everyday, and they arent good things. What they do when they break up with someone. Ugh...... But Im letting my darker sider run free. because thats all I can have. If I cant have a friends, and crushes. I will have enemies, and people hate me. Becuase that feels lot better then emptiness. Most people would ask why do I do this when Im in the presence of my friends. because the hate fuels me for a long time, while the friendship last only a day. I have nothing for months. I need something I will hate, I will be hated. Im sorry for those that get in the way and get hurt. Im sorry. But I cannot help it. Everyone moving past me, never noticing me. Having someone to hold, to talk to. And I have nothing. I rather live off of the hate seeping from them, and the glares they give me. Atleast they notice me and not think me like everyone else in their lives. Im sorry my friends for having seen me like that. Im sorry. But I dont know what to do. I need something that I know I wont have for years to come.

Now you know the sadness of my excuse.

Your move

Your decision

I want what I give in return. I do to people what I want done to me. There may be minor details that must be altered but none the less the same. And often I know what people want and I give it to them. Often I secretly wish for that to happen to me, for someone to know what I want and give it to me. But here in lies the problem. I know many of my friends and family would do just that give me what I want even if its occasionally. But not even I know what I want. My known desires are that ones that dont make sense. I dont know what I am, I dont know what I want. I dont know what Im meant for. Im just drifting through time for now until I find something to hold on to. Be it a someone or some event.

~Today I watched saw 2 with nora,cathy, yuri and his friend max. and my brother. It was fun the movie was good, but today felt like something was missing.~

1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written

Well I offically have no life. I dont know any real guys, turning bi. No close friends around....well I dont get to see them that much. But halloween was fun. Dressed up as a guy. A wig, a short blonde wig, with a mask, and tie, and black lipstick....i do believe it was my best costume yet. Why? becuase i bet you if my friends met me with my full costume they wouldnt recoginze me. Like met me in a group or something. Freaked the school out with the wig, was the only one that actually wore something in school. but then in gym I put on the mask and then after school the lipstick. Then went with nora and Yuri trick or treating. My brother serg is eating all the candy as I type this....not really but he would be if he was awake. I need to type up my poem for the contest. But Im lazy...and I have homework to do..but again im lazy. Im sleepy. And should go to sleep. but Im playing an rpg.

Bored, and thinking about guys. Not the way you think just...how I dont like them anymore. I used to always have someone I liked which made the world alot better. But now there is no one I like in a away more then a friend, and I think it will be awhile until I actually like someone, cause they have to be well rounded, they have to have the whole package not just have one trait of my ideal guy but the whole thing. Oh well I dont care anymore I used but now I dont. Im just right now clinging to my volleyball, I know it will end so and I dont want it to end its the only self thing I have.The only thing I dont have to share with friends or family. I dont know Im trying to be indenpentant. I dont know what I will do after volleyball is done, it was the only thing that took up most of my day and I was and still am happy for that, so I wouldnt be spending to much time on the computer or TV. You know like going out side, I would go outside and 'get active' but there is no one to be 'active' with. If I walk down the street Im usually by myself, or even worse Im with my brother who wont let me go anywhere by myself. I dont mind him. But I just dont count him as someone to do stuff with. Im again interested in drawing but am to lazy, and thinging I need to go shopping but Im too cheap and lazy to do it. Oh well. Im bored and want to watch a movie but the family will probably refuse and without anyone to watch it with you it just blows. Oh well Im out Ill update later.

Okay well yesterday was fun and worth staying up until 3 oclock at night. I got to bug my brother's friends. And today I went to school to sing two songs for this whole event of celebrating 100 years of our church and all. I looked really pretty today.. well more like sexy hehe. But the ukrainian shirts they gave us and the sashes, made me look bad and fad. And I had to wear shoes instead of my original boots. But I only looked like that for an hour , more or less. I ate some food they had there. Oh and everyone's parents and or family was there. Everyone's except mine. But I didnt really care I guess I told everyone Im lucky that I wont have to deal with them, and they wont have to see me look bad and stuff. But I kinda felt lonely I didnt have any of my real friends there. Well I guess thats all for today. Im bored and so Im gunna go eat an apple and watch an anime. Oh by the way is it that obvious when someone eats an apple during lunch? Cause it seems to me that everyone thinks me odd for eating an apple, because they all manage to mention that when I explain I cant eat anything chemical altered or whatever. Oh and Im practicing drawing now. Im going on sights which teach you to draw anime and all. Im getting pretty good maybe one of my local friends will get to see it. Im good at drawing what I see.Well Im better at copying a 2D then something real. But eh...beggars cant be choosers. Or can they?? Well this entry should be good enough for now. If not then bite me....no, seriously bite me. He.

Okay well this is my first entry and I really don't know what to write about. I guess I'm doing this on a friend's request, and I'm still trying to figure out the whole customizing thing. But in life? Well its boring for now. I dont like anyone when I say like I mean crush like, which is a change for once. I have a volleyball game on monday and tomorrow I have to go to school, to sing two songs, and for that have to spend 4 bucks on the commute, and two hours on the subway. Not something that you can call eventful or interesting. And I'm hoping serg, my brother wontcome with me. Waste of money and time for him.Or mayber he should. I dont know what I will do... I probably will go home right after. I have very little friend contact. But I guess Im fine with that I have been keeping myself busy with tv, myspace and animes that Im downloading, and a thanks goes out to Nora for introducing me to the whole anime and the downloading. Its fun. My rpgs has been down for a week or so now and I have nothing to do now. But Im not even sure if I want to play it anymore. Also I'm getting bored on WoW. Ugh well do you think this is a good enough first entry? Now I have to get back to customizing this damn thing.